My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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