if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
do nipples grow back?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
