I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I AM VODKA MAN
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
