i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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