I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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