Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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