you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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