i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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