Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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