i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
