Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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