happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize