rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
