I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
