I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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