I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
