Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize