It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
