Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
