there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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