So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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