a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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