I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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