I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You ate ashes out of my bong
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
