Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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