I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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