Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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