I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
