I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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