My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
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