I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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