My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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