Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
