rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Never underestimate the power of titties
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
