my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
