he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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