I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
