he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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