My sheets look like a crime scene.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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