reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
