plz talk dirty to me
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
