Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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