I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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