is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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