I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
