Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
