Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
