....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
