the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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