East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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