I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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