how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
