Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
True strength comes from lack of pants
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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