this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
