I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
