I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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