I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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