Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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