bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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