Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
