Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
