But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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